


Trauma + Fear + Support

by Anonymous



Series: Mac + Desi + Zayn [3]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual!Desi, Dealing with the events of the Finale, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Original Character(s), Pansexual!MacGyver, Polyamory, Self indulgence, Trauma, nonbinary OC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 20:30:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19258648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: As much as he wants to be, Mac isn't over what Mason did. Not by a long shot. And trauma doesn't wait til it's convenient to pop up.





	Trauma + Fear + Support

Mac was crying. He didn’t want to be crying - he and Desi were supposed to be having a lovely date night in, watching movies and cuddling and who knows what else. But he was crying, suddenly, and Desi squirmed uncomfortably beside him on the bed they’d been sitting in. It was her guest bedroom, but clearly he was making her feel out of place anyway.

“I’m sorry.” She looked guilty, shutting the laptop which they’d been watching a dumb action movie on. “I didn’t mean to -”

“I know.” He took a shuddery breath. “I know. You didn’t. I’m sorry. I just...it’s only been a couple weeks, you know, and I still have nightmares. I didn’t - I didn’t realize...”

Desi patted Mac on the arm awkwardly. “It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. Can I get you anything?” She wrapped a tentative hug around his shoulder. “How ‘bout I go make us some hot cocoa?”

He would’ve preferred she stay just a little longer, but the minute he nodded, she was up off the bed and out the door, leaving him alone in the spare bedroom of a house he was only half-comfortable in. He kneaded the dark blue bedspread with his hands, wishing he’d brought something better to fidget with. Anything to take his mind off the image of the elevator wreckage. The one time he forgot...

“Knock knock,” came a soft voice from the open doorway. He wiped his face quickly and looked up to see Zayn leaning against the frame. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah.” He did his best to compose himself, because with Desi it was one thing, but this was Zayn, who still only knew him as Oversight’s son and now their girlfriend’s boyfriend. Being a wreck wasn’t really an option.

To his surprise, though, they clambered onto the bed and wrapped him in a big hug. They were not graceful, but they were enthusiastic, and he could feel...love. “Des isn’t particularly good at emotional support,” they replied, taking a moment to place the laptop on the floor. “Or emotional anything, really. She does her best. She’s good at actions. But I figured you might want someone a little more competent than my girl.”

Mac shook his head. “I’m fine,” he lied, not even managing to sound convincing to the part of him that wanted it to be true. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

Zayn raised a single eyebrow. “I was drawing a pinecone,” they replied. “It was not riveting work that I left. I heard you crying and went to ask Des what was up, and she asked me to come check on you and, I quote, ‘do my thing.’ So here I am, MacGyver. Tell me what you need.” They offered him a small cube. “Besides this. I already guessed this would be helpful.”

He choked up again at that, not used to having people besides his team taking care of him. He took the cube - which was really eight interlocking cubes, that folded and twisted and moved perfectly in his hands - and began to fidget, instantly feeling a little soothed.

“That obvious, huh?” he asked, attempting a smile.

They laughed, looking away shyly. “Full disclosure, I’ve had that printed for you since before Desi came to Phoenix, I just couldn’t think of a way to give it to you that wasn’t weird as hell. ‘Hey, you probably don’t remember me, but I saw this 3D print file and I thought you’d like it, here you go, bye!’” Zayn drew out the vowel sound in ‘bye’ and made as if they were about to run, but they just kept giggling.

Mac was touched. “You should’ve said hi or something.” He really, really wished they had. He would’ve loved to know them sooner.

They snorted. “Oh, please. I was _terrified_ of you. I thought you were way too cool for me!” They cocked their head, giving him a sideways grin. “I am not completely convinced otherwise, yet.” At that, Zayn flopped backwards on the bed, pulling him down with them, but left a respectful distance between the two of them. Mac didn’t want the space to be there, but he also didn’t want to overstep.

“I’m not too cool for you,” he replied, because it was true. He didn’t consider himself too cool for anyone, really. Mac was just kind of a mess that had somehow convinced everyone he was a genius.

They made a disbelieving noise in the back of their throat, but chose not to comment further. “Okay. So tell me what’s up.”

“It’s...Charlie…” God, even saying his name was hard. Mac screwed his eyes shut.

“Your friend the bomb tech.” He thought he felt them nod against the pillow. “Figured. Have you...talked to anyone about what happened?”

“Jack,” he replied. “Riley and Bozer, a bit. Mattie, a bit.”

“I meant a therapist, but that’s a good start.” Zayn reached out to squeeze his hand. “You shouldn’t have to bear this weight alone. You’ve got people to support you.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” In some capacity, their words seemed reasonable, but it was also the hollow platitude given to those who were suffering. Those who were innocent. “It’s my fault Charlie died, it’s my fault Phoenix almost burned down…” His eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright. “Zayn, you could have _died_. You were there too. How are you not upset at me?”

They sat up slowly to meet him. “Because it is not, in fact, your fault. And I have been through much worse. Also Desi got a concussion so the house was almost quiet for a couple days, minus her whining she was fine and then immediately whining for me to take care of her anyway.” They chuckled. He could see their scars peeking over their shoulders and up through the neckline of their shirt, especially when they tilted their head back to look at the ceiling. “It’s not fair to yourself to take all of this on. Because,” they repeated, “it is not your fault.”

“How is it _not_ my fault?” he demanded. 

Zayn glanced back at him. “How could it be your fault?” They didn’t get it, clearly, and on the one hand Mac appreciated how convinced they were of his innocence, but on the other, he felt honorbound to make sure they knew it was false.

“Because that guy” - Mac didn’t even want to give him the power of the name - “was doing this to get revenge on my father because of a decision he made to save one operative over others, including the guy’s son. And that operative was me.”

“Oh.” Desi had returned with the cocoa, and upon hearing that, stopped dead. “Mac…” She trailed off, placing the tray on the table and going to curl up around him from behind. He focused his eyes on her hands by his waist, tightly interlocked and splayed across him. Desi may not be too good at emotional support, but she was excellent at the actions that went with it.

He waited a long time before glancing over at Zayn, prepared for disappointment or anger or...something. Instead, he found a carefully-constructed casualness that didn’t succeed in masking their utter compassion one bit.

“I still fail to see how it’s your fault.” They shrugged. “He could’ve just as easily woken up and said, ‘hey, I’m not going to attempt mass murder today.’ It was _his_ choice, Mac, and no one forced him into it. There are so many ways to deal with grief that aren’t playing god with civilian lives.” 

“But…” Mac didn’t know what to say to that, really. “My dad…”

“But nothing. This does not fall on you, dude.” They shrugged again. “If your dad wants to feel guilty about it, I don’t love him enough to tell him different. But you were so far removed from this situation and you had no agency, ever. That was the whole point of literally everything about those events, from start to finish. You had no agency.”

“Well said, babe.” Desi nodded into Mac’s shoulder from where she was gripping him like a Koala. “I agree.”

“Also if you feel any guilt on Desi’s account specifically, it was her dumb ass that chose to hit a flashbang with an axe, so don’t.” Zayn glared over his shoulder at their girlfriend. “Who the heck _does_ that?”

“Hey, I saved Oversight,” Desi defended, caught between an offended and amused look.

Zayn snorted. “Oversight is not more important to me than you are.” They glanced at Mac quickly. “Uh, sorry.”

“I would agree with you at this point,” Mac replied, leaning back into Desi’s embrace. He didn’t have a whole lot of affection left for his dad, these days.

“Ignore them, they have Daddy Issues and problems with authority, Oversight is not their favorite person. Zayn’s read your file and knows all of what happened. They’d probably fight him for you.”

“Desi!” Zayn flushed. “You make me sound like a stalker. I’ve read everyone’s file because I am diligent. Also, I do not have problems with...” They trailed off. “Yeah, no, I can’t even deny that one. Also I probably _would_ fight your dad if you wanted.”

The idea of Zayn, five foot two and soft and squishy, attempting to fight his dad made Mac smile. Desi could do it and win, but Zayn? They didn’t seem like much of a fighter, though there was something behind their eyes that made Mac think they could do this.

“It seems to be a uniting factor at Phoenix. So many of you have Daddy issues,” Desi teased. “You’re basically a support club.”

Zayn puffed themself up. “ _Listen,_ ” they said with great urgency. “Terrible dads are an epidemic. I offer fathering services to anyone who needs it.” They took a sidelong glance at Mac and flushed noticeably. “Besides you because you’re dating my girlfriend and that’d be weird. But I’ll still take care of you and tell you I’m proud of you and that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”

Desi laughed at them, laughed and laughed so hard it shook Mac’s spine and made him laugh a little, too. “You’re not subtle,” she told Zayn, though Mac wasn’t sure what that meant. They stuck out their tongue at Desi and then pointedly turned towards the tray of cooling cocoa.

“I appreciate it,” Mac assured them as they handed him a mug of hot cocoa, which he took and sipped slowly, letting the warmth fill him. “You two are so good to me.”

Zayn smiled. “We do our best.”

A thought occurred to Mac. “You should come over after a mission sometime. Meet our friends,” he suggested. Zayn was his closest friend outside the crew at this point. “Get to know some more people.”

“I know Riley,” Zayn protested, pointedly not looking at him. He felt a little insulted but tried not to let it show. “She’s cool.” 

Desi rolled her eyes. “Babe, I think he wants to _introduce you_ to everyone.”

Mac bit his cheek. “Guilty. I mean, I figured if Desi’s not gonna tell them about you, someone ought to.” He offered what he thought was a hopeful smile. He really did want them over. He was getting used to this whole three-people thing, and he wanted Zayn in his life more. They were...really amazing.

Zayn swallowed. “Are you sure?” They glanced down at the bedspread, picking at a thread Mac couldn’t see. “I don’t...want to cause problems for you.” They glanced up. “I mean, I take it they all know you’re dating?”

“Even though Bozer isn’t too happy about it, yeah.” Desi snorted. “Keeps going on about...some girl whose name I can’t remember and a B+ in science.”

“Listen.” Mac blushed. “That’s not important. Bozer is overreacting. But yeah, it was...pretty hard to hide.”

Zayn grimaced. “Unlike me.” They gave a long sigh. “I assume no one knows Desi and I are together?”

“If it makes you feel any better, Matty definitely already knows,” Desi pointed out.

Zayn hid their face in their hands. “It does not, I had been trying not to think about that.” They groaned. “Des, why would you make me think about that?”

“I mean she stared me down and told me ‘Don’t be stupid’ so I think she approves?” Desi laughed. “C’mon, babe, it’s fine.”

Mac wasn’t sure how he was supposed to act here. One part of him wanted to hold their hand and promise them it would be okay. But that was Desi’s job, wasn’t it? And who knew if they’d even appreciate it from him. 

“I just...don’t want to cause problems,” Zayn repeated, like they were so used to their very existence being inconvenient. Then again, maybe they were.

“You won’t,” Mac promised. “I won’t let there be problems, okay? If anyone has anything to say, they’ll say it to me, and I’ll tell them we’re happy and they’re being stupid.” He took a beat. “Are we happy?”

Zayn sniffled. “So happy.” They offered Mac a smile full of vulnerability, the kind he felt honored to witness. “I don’t know if I’ve ever been happier, and I don’t want to risk it.”

And then, because he could, because he was an impulsive human who tended to look _after_ he leaped, Mac reached out and threaded his fingers through Zayn’s, pulling their hand up to his mouth and kissing their knuckles. “I won’t let anything bad happen,” he promised, the same way he promised on missions. He was MacGyver: he always figured something out in the end.

Except when he couldn’t. He winced, memories of the elevator rolling back into his head, and he screwed his eyes shut.

He could feel Zayn holding his hand still, squeezing some sort of pulse. He tried to focus on the pulse, but it was so hard. Then a thumb swept across his hand, and lips were on the back of his neck, and hands on his bare sides, and it was easier. All the physical sensations were grounding.

“Breathe, Mac,” Zayn directed. “You’re safe. You’re okay.”

“I’ve got you, baby,” Desi added, continuing to press kisses against the back of his neck. He was dimly aware it was the first time she’d called him ‘baby.’ He’d been wondering if she would.

He pried open his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said again, having long ago lost track of the amount of times he’d apologized for...everything, really. For his vulnerability, for his weakness, for his failure.

Zayn squeezed his hand again. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“ _Meow._ ”

Zayn laughed, lifting a small cat onto the bed with their free hand. “See? Puff agrees.”

Mac wasn’t sure at what point the cat had wandered in, but he did feel just a little bit grateful for it as it crawled into his lap. Puff was soft and warm and made him feel a little more at peace.

“You’re going to be okay,” Zayn reminded him. “ _We_ are going to be okay. We’ve got each other.”

Mac almost believed them. He certainly felt the love, and for now, that’d have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow a third fic! Dealing with some angst this time, on all accounts. Lots of love.  
> Desi? Good with emotions? Absolutely not. But good with hugs and hot cocoa and kisses.  
> Anyway I love them and I hope you do too.


End file.
